2004-06-23
Fat slaves
DEARABBYTROBY: I am about 70 pounds overweight. When I try to diet I just give up. I feel like crying every night because of the way I look. The older I get, the more concerned I am about my weight problem, but I can't help myself.I'm not dating anyone, and my so-called "friend" said it's because I am so ugly.
I am also kind of scared that I'll wind up dead because of my weight, but I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm sad and I eat because I'm happy. I joined an athletic program at school. All it did was help me lose a little bit of weight -- not much.
What can I do to feel better about myself and become more healthy? I don't want to die. -- SCARED AND SAD FAT GIRL
DEAR FAT: You ask a tough question with many possible solutions. However, upon careful consideration, I think that your best solution is to stop eating. Just exercise your power of will and stop eating. There is a theory in the animal kingdom (of which humans are a part) that the weakest of the species naturally dies. If you are too weak to will yourself to stop eating, you will die, that's natural. So, if you want some tricks to get you to stop eating, try stapling your face closed...or smoking, that always seems to help people lose weight, one lung at a time. -- TROBY
DEAR
ABBYTROBY: Please tell me if it is still appropriate to address a card to a young male child as "Master" and then the child's name? I have been doing it for years, but my husband says that the practice is outdated. -- UNSURE IN ELYRIA, OHIO
DEAR IN: Get with the 21st century. You strike me as the kind of lady who recruits young boys to tend to your lawn and then thanks them with a shiny nickel, and then tells them not to talk to black people. Look, if you call someone your master, then that would make you his slave. If that's the relationship you have with young boys, well, perhaps you've already gotten with the 21st century, in which case you might want to stop before you get arrested. -- TROBY