2004-07-28
Ashes, tacky gift, and finicky eaters
DEARABBYTROBY: My husband, "Ned," lost his mother suddenly at the age of 54. Her wishes were to be cremated and have her cremains scattered in the Arizona desert. It hasn't happened yet.Her cremains started out on the bookcase headboard of our bed. I finally moved them to the living room in front of the fireplace. One day, I returned home from work and, once again, the cremains had been put back in our bedroom -- this time on the nightstand next to our bed.
AbbyTroby, our 10-year-old son was extremely close to his grandmother. They adored each other. To this day, he talks to the urn as if it is his grandmother. In addition, the cremains did not all fit into the urn, so a second box was sent along with the urn. With time, the box has separated and started to leak.I think it's unhealthy to continue to have the cremains in the house, and I also feel it's disrespectful to my mother-in-law. How can you be firm and loving at the same time? How should I bring this up without putting my foot in my mouth? -- WOEFUL IN INDIANA
Troby tries to teach people not to be jerks, but your husband's mother failed - how selfish of her to ask that you take her ashes all the way to Arizona just to be scattered. Odds are that those aren't even her remains, as if it matters anyway. In short, she's dead, those are ashes, throw them away, move on. Or, if you want to force your husband to confront the issue, pour her ashes on him while he sleeps. -- TROBY
DEARABBYTROBY: We are invited to a renewing of the wedding vows of a couple who have been married for 10 years. (They're a young couple in their early 30s.)We are trying to figure out if we have to give them another gift, since we gave them one when they were first married. Please help us out. -- BAFFLED IN BROOKLYN
Do whatever you want, if you don't want to give a gift, you don't have to, it's that simple. If you feel compelled by society to bring a gift, I think the general practice is to find something useless and tacky at a garage sale. That way you will have fulfilled your societal obligation by bringing a gift but it will be of no use to the recipient and of little cost to you. -- TROBY
DEARABBYTROBY: Some friends and I gather for dinner and fellowship about twice a month. The problem is, one woman is a very finicky eater, and she turns up her nose when something is served and makes comments like, "That doesn't even look good -- what's in it?" The one we have heard all too often is, "That doesn't even sound good."Most of the time we try to please her by preparing something she likes, like hot dogs or fried chicken. Frankly, I'm sick of it. Would it be rude to prepare something scrumptious like coconut shrimp with orange sauce knowing that she won't eat it, but everyone else will, and tell her there are hot dogs in the fridge and buns in the breadbox and to just help herself? -- HAD IT IN NASHVILLE
Troby is dissatisfied by discriminating eaters, especially stubborn ones. Make whatever you want, if she complains, ask her if she would like to be fed her own brain, Hannibal style. If she's unwilling to eat what you make, have you and your friends tie her down and force feed her. If she is too stubborn, wait until she gets hungry, at which time she will not have such discriminating tastes. Let me know how it goes, it's one of my great fantasies to force feed a stubborn eater. Make sure you feed her some cheesecake for me. -- TROBY