Troy's Pages: Dear Troby

2004-08-11

death, stalking, and jerks

DEAR ~~ABBY~~ TROBY: My mother and her fifth husband, "Lester," have been planning their funeral arrangements, discussing burial vs. cremation, etc. Mom wants to be cremated. At first Lester said that was what he wanted, too. Then he changed his mind.
Lester was previously married for 42 years to a wonderful woman, "Agnes." He nursed her through her long last illness. Now he says he wants to be buried next to her.
Personally, I see nothing wrong with this. As far as I'm concerned, when people die they are gone. But Mom is making a huge deal out of it. She says that Lester will probably die first, and she doesn't think she should have to visit him if he's lying next to Agnes.
I feel that Mom is ruining the present over an uncertain future. Do you think she's justified? Or is she making yet another relationship mistake? -- DAUGHTER OF RELATIONSHIP DUNCE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DAUGHTER OF A REPEATEDLY MARRIED MOTHER: Any woman who has been married for five times can't be trusted. I say that you relieve them of their posthumous burdens by dumping their bodies in the East River...or the West River, whichever you'd prefer.

Or, if you'd rather not bother with it, I'd say that your mother is being unreasonable. Just kill her before he dies to avoid the whole issue. I'm sure she'll be too busy trolling for another husband, anyway.

Another solution would be a little expensive, put his body next to Agnes, but buy another headstone and put it elsewhere for her to visit.

Or, you could keep his body in the freezer until your mother dies at which point you would put his body next to Agnes. Whatever you choose, Troby wishes you good fortune. -- TROBY

DEAR ~~ABBY~~ TROBY: My family is dealing with a concern similar to "Trapped in Louisville." My teenage son is dating a lovely girl who attends a neighboring high school. She is being harassed by a boy who attends her school, rides her bus and lives in her neighborhood. I'll call him "Willy."
Willy has refused to honor repeated requests by the young lady to leave her alone. He makes unwanted advances toward her at school, follows her home and trespasses on her property.
The young lady's mother is not around during the daytime, due to her career. Her father is away defending our country. If my son becomes involved, I'm afraid there could be violence. I don't know what to do.
There are no witnesses willing to get involved. How do we get solid proof so Willy will not cause her harm? Who can we tell so that this will stop? We don't want to make this problem worse than it already is. Willy has threatened retribution if he gets into trouble over this. -- DEEPLY CONCERNED IN LAWRENCEVILLE, GA.

DEAR NRA-MEMBER TO BE: Situations like these are why we have the second amendment. Arm little Peggy with a .44 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and will blow a stalker's head clean off. Or, approach Willy's parents, with a .44 magnum. Clearly, this child needs to be disciplined and if nobody else will, you need to do it for them. To not resolve this promptly and conclusively would be a failure. -- TROBY

DEAR ~~ABBY~~ TROBY: My sister informed me that her daughter was pregnant and being married at the local courthouse. They live in Kansas. I live in Florida.
The day after the ceremony, my sister e-mailed me, expressing her anger that I did not acknowledge her daughter's "special day." Keep in mind that I have never known her kids, as we have lived so far apart all of their lives. Her other daughters have called me every name they can come up with, trying to make me feel bad for "forgetting" about the event. I don't feel I was obligated to do anything, especially when my sister announced it would be "parents only" at the ceremony. Who's out of line here, in your opinion? -- DISTANT AUNT IN TITUSVILLE, FLA.

DEAR SISTER OF JERKS: They're out of line for being jerks, you should show them what it means to be a jerk by tying a rope around their necks and making their bodies "jerk" their neck in half.

You could have sent her a card though, but I guess now you can send a sympathy card to any survivors after you amend the situation. -- TROBY