Troy's Pages: Dear Troby

2004-08-25

justice of the peace, unemployment, and a sucker

DEAR ~~ABBY~~ TROBY: I am 18. My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years. During that time we have lived together, and we know each other inside and out.
When I told my mother months ago that we were getting married, she dismissed it. She said she didn't have the money to help out with a wedding. When we told her we had decided to go to a justice of the peace, she said she'd be gone camping that day.
I'd really like for my mother to be there. My father died when I was 8, and she's the only parent I have. I love her dearly and can't figure out why she wouldn't want to be there, because I'm her only child. What's your take on this, Abby? -- HURT AND CONFUSED IN OREGON

DEAR HURT IN THE ORGANS: It's not right of your mother to dismiss your marriage, but apparently she values marriage so little that she killed her husband, so what can you expect? Have someone tape record the ceremony and play it back for her next time you see her. Maybe tell her that when your baby arrives in 8 months, that she can't see it or hold it unless she comes to the ceremony. If she doesn't come, she's clearly not the mom for you. With a little work and ingenuity, I'm sure you can find another mother who cares more for you and will gladly attend your justice of the peace ceremony. Stand on a street corner asking for a mother. -- TROBY

DEAR ~~ABBY~~ TROBY: My sister, who is now out of high school and about to go to college, has never had a job. She has turned in a couple of job applications, but it's been two years and she's still unemployed. Our parents are frustrated with her.
Every time I look at the classifieds for a job for her, she yells at me and tells me I'm exactly like our parents. How can I get her to find a job without making her angry? -- FRUSTRATED SISTER

DEAR EMPLOYMENT PUSHER: If your parents still provide for her she has no motivation to get a job. It seems that there is no need for her to get a job, so why are you pushing her? Huh? She'll get a job when she's ready, but if you would like for her to get some job experience, then your parents will have to start making her pay for things, like her food, clothes, and the imminent facial lacerations. Maybe hook her up with some guy that will get her pregnant. She might be motivated to get a job to pay for the abortion. -- TROBY

DEAR ~~ABBY~~ TROBY: After my separation and divorce, I had a relationship with a man I'll call "Austen." He was in financial trouble and asked me to take out a loan of $15,000 for him, since I have good credit. He claimed that if he could get himself "straightened out," we could have a brighter future.
After two years of emotional abuse, I finally ended the relationship with Austen. It has been several months, and he is consistently late making the monthly payments. Last month, he told me that since I won't resume the relationship, I can go to hell and said not to call him again.
I am now stuck with the burden of paying off the loan. Any ideas how to persuade Austen to fulfill his responsibility? -- FEELS LIKE A SUCKER, WILKES-BARRE, PA.

DEAR SUCKER: You feel like a sucker because you are one. Since you can't call him, send him a bill every month. If he fails to respond, take him to small-claims court or steal an appropriate amount of his posessions. If he still doesn't pay, find comfort in the fact that he will spend his afterlife in the scorching caves of hell. -- TROBY