2004-11-27
hot dog, dog face, lardo, and poodle brains
DEAR TROBY: Over the years this is the question I have recieved most often. I have never found a good answer. Can you help? The question is, "If you were a hot dog, would you eat yourself?" -- Abigail van Buren
DEAR MARTIN VAN BUREN: That's a good question. I think that the answer depends on whether you are garnished. -- TROBY
DEAR TROBY: Last summer I was attacked by my boss's dog at work, leaving a nasty scar on my nose. My boss, claiming to be a "healing expert," advised me to avoid a trip to the doctor (as they don't put stitches in one's nose, he said) and to instead let him apply "healing oils" to my face. He said the scar would be gone within a month. I naively heeded his advice.During my remaining time at work, his wife (also my boss and the true owner of the dog) looked after me caringly, always wishing me well on my healing, swearing genuinely by her husband's talents as a healer.
Three months and nine days later, the scar is still there, and on a recent trip to the doctor he informed me that I should have gotten stitches. I now face expensive plastic surgery or dermatological work if I want to be rid of the scar.
I am debating whether I should take legal action. I'd feel guilty because the wife would be the brunt of any lawsuit when, I believe, she sincerely had faith in her husband, but I can't help but feel he cheated me. What should I do? -- DOWNTRODDEN AND DOG-BITTEN
DEAR DOG FACE: Why the hell did your boss bring his dog to work? But, just because he did doesn't mean that you should call that lawyer who got you the million dollar settlement against the Postal Service for misdelivering your mail. Send your lawyers away and stop being such a baby and go talk to your boss. I'm sure, despite the fact that your boss is obviously even stupider than you are, that he'd talk with you. And, if he doesn't, you need to bring your pet gorilla to work and have it sit on him until he agrees to fix your ugly face. -- TROBY
DEAR TROBY: My beloved 8-year-old niece, "Emily," has expressed that she's embarrassed to be seen with me because I am "so big." I'm aware that children are easily embarrassed by differences, be it someone using a cane, someone with a foreign accent, or someone who is fat like me.I don't want to embarrass Emily on the days that I pick her up from school, but I also don't want to condone her attitude about "fat people" by hiding in the car.
How can I expect an 8-year-old to be free of prejudice when even supposedly mature adults expect all women to be slim-slender-thin-petite? I know Emily loves me; she just doesn't want people to see us together in public. What advice have you for us? -- CONCERNED IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR GARGANTUAN: Lose some weight, fatty. Some people would like you to believe that there's nothing wrong with being fat, but there is. Although, you could look at it in another way, perhaps you are doing Emily a favor because you won't have to keep picking her up from school forever because you'll get so fat that you have to lie on your bed all day and eat 14 pizzas at a time until Jerry Springer gets a crane to lift you out of your house, but it will accidentally break and you'll fall into an above-ground swimming pool, but you'll be so fat that you'll float at first until the sides of the pool break and water gushes out and then the dog in the yard will walk over and pee on you.
However, it seems that Emily's problem with your lard ass is more because of what other people think than what she thinks. She's afraid of what "they" will say about you and her, so she wants to hide you. When she grows up she'll buy an SUV, live in the suburbs, and dominate her children's lives because she doesn't want "them" to say anything bad about her kids. -- TROBY
DEAR TROBY: My mother, who is in her late 70s, lives alone with her standard poodle, "Bonaparte." She refuses to go anywhere unless we agree that Bonaparte can go, too. When one of us offers to take her to dinner, the poodle waits in the car. She won't visit family members either, unless Bonaparte is welcome.For Mother's birthday, I planned a special outing at a lovely restaurant and a matinee performance of a show that was in town. Mamma refused to go unless we took the dog. It wasn't appropriate, so I told her no. She refused to go and is still mad at me. She continually tries to make me feel guilty for "spoiling" her birthday.
How can I make my mother realize that the dog is an animal companion, and there are times when she needs to enjoy the company of people sans her dog? -- HAD IT UP TO HERE IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR POODLE BRAINS: Kill it. -- TROBY