2006-08-29
manners, phonetics, stink, addiction, pissing dog
DEAR TROBY: Could you please resolve a question concerning proper table manners?
When you are at a restaurant that has cloth napkins, is it proper to place your napkin on your lap as soon as you are seated or after the server takes your order? -- JULIA IN FAIRBORN, OHIO
DEAR OLD PERSON: Who cares? We don't need to follow 19th century etiquette anymore, just don't wipe your mouth on the damn table cloth, that's all that matters. -- TROBY
DEAR TROBY: I have an irritating problem I'm sure many people can relate to. My name is "Phoebe," pronounced "Fee-bee." Why is it the majority of people pronounce it "Fobe," "Fobee" or "Phobia"? Is there an appropriate method of correcting people?
This is especially embarrassing when I visit the doctor and the nurse steps into the waiting room and calls for "Fobee" or "Fobe." It aggravates me that so many people have such difficulty with my name, yet no one seems to mispronounce Phoenix. Why is that? -- PHOEBE
DEAR FOBEE: Just spell your name like it sounds, you anti-phonetic phoreak. -- TROBY
DEAR TROBY: This may seem ridiculous, but it's true. My fiance and I are about to break up over his cologne. I'm allergic to it and other manufactured scents. He insists he "must" use it.
I have concluded it's about his disrespect for my needs. He says I am being unreasonable. Where do we go from here? -- MILLIE IN MIAMI
DEAR STINKY: He probably just wants to cover up the smell of your musky muff, close your skanky legs and see if he stops wearing it. Or, try paying his water bill so he can afford to shower again. -- TROBY
DEAR TROBY: I want to know if you can become addicted to drugs by having sex with an addict.
Please don't print my name because I live in a small, conservative community in Ohio. -- NAMELESS IN A RED STATE
DEAR DUMB QUESTION: You can't become addicted to drugs, but apparently you can become addicted to stupid. Please don't ever have sex again, since everyone else in the world would simultaneously commit suicide if you were able to successfully reproduce. -- TROBY
DEAR TROBY: My in-laws are retired and live about four hours away. When they visit, they bring their male miniature schnauzer, "Liebchen," with them. Being a dog lover and owner myself, I don't mind them bringing the dog. What I do mind is that Liebchen keeps marking his territory INSIDE my home. During a two-day visit at Easter, he urinated in at least four locations.
When this happens, my mother-in-law just giggles and says, "That's what little boys do." I have pointed out that my dog doesn't do it, and it is not acceptable behavior. She just shrugs. After they left, I found another spot where Liebchen had urinated. This time he took the finish off an antique copper plant stand. My mother-in-law never even considered punishing or scolding him.
There is no question that it's Liebchen doing this. He has ruined a sofa, a chair and a dining room rug in my sister-in-law's home. Abby, the dog is house-trained and he's not incontinent. He does it because he thinks he's in charge -- which in their house he is.
My husband is reluctant to say anything to his parents, although this bothers him as much as it does me. Is it appropriate for me to discipline their dog in my home? If not, how can I politely tell them that if they can't control their dog, he is no longer welcome? -- SATURATED IN ATLANTA
DEAR PUSHOVER: You waited until after he ruined a sofa, a chair, and a rug? Psh, no reason to be polite about it. Next time the dog takes a leak in your house, take a leak on the dog. If that doesn't work, after a couple times, just punt the pissing pooch onto the porch...or onto the highway. -- TROBY